Here's to you, baby.
Ten years of misery.
Salanche...
You never did like taking it on the face.
Well how's that now, huh?
Come to think of it,
I think it's high time...
I cashed in on all those years...
you never tended to my needs.
Whine, whine, whine. Me, me, me.
Well what about me?
Huh?
I'm thinking it's time
for a little bit of dead head.
You won't mind. Much.
Shit.
Hey! Jesus, mother of God!
Fuck.
Let go of my meat!
No. No. No. No. No. No.
No! You bitch!
You bit off my bean bag!
Fucker!
Yeah?
Balls! He is?
Yeah, I'll be there, I'll be there, yeah.
Jesus wept! Yeah, fine!
I'm late for work.
Will you stop touching that.
Honey, what is... What was the station again?
I can never remember the number.
I don't know.
You're supposed to know...
'cause I can never remember, so it's your job to remember.
Well, remind me why we're bringing our baby...
to an all-night splatter fest again.
Are you serious? I wish that I had parents as cool as
He's gonna be so prepared for life in modern America,
after this evening of films.
I know.
Yeah.
I love it when the old man...
pumps golden moldies in the channel after the all-nighters.
You know, it totally puts me in the mood.
Yeah, look what happened the last time Otis Redding was on.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh.
Do you want a brother?
Little brother, daddy.
All right, Tobe. Six degrees, Kevin Bacon, Bela Lugosi.
Hit it!
Oh, no.
Oh man, this should be cake and ice cream for you.
Oh, come on. Forget it, I... I...
I guess this encyclopedia is human after all.
So, what movie is everyone freaking out about?
'Cause I'm going into the...
Well, I haven't seen any of them. Apparently, Mr. K...
has the only prints of these things in existence.
It's like ultra rare Holy Grail shit. Right, Tobes?
Yeah, this being the last hurrah and all is the best time as ever...
to unleash the terror, the blood, the boobs!
More blood! More boobs!
Hurray for boobs.
What was it like working here, I mean,
Hog heaven, right?
No, nerdgasm. I saw the movie "Hungry Hungry Hippos"...
13 times!
I see no nutritional value in that whatsoever.
Hey, you asked! And besides,
it gave you an excuse to almost talk...
to a certain concession employee.
Wait. Almost?
So you haven't even like...
No. Okay? We haven't even.
We're taking it slow.
Mm-hm. And by "slow" he means turn the other way and walk fast.
So you haven't even talked to her?
It's like this.
A girl like Desi is never gonna go out with me...
so I figure, why not hold on to the hope...
instead of suffer the disappointment?
You should at least talk to her
before you go back to school.
At least then you could make a piece.
Yeah, look who's talking potsy!
Well, what the fuck does that mean?
Oh, nothing.
Yeah, nothing, just...
Look, Kevin Bacon and Elvis Presley.
Let's do it.
Admit two.
There you go, kids.
Just pull up to the front row spot
and tune your tunes to 106. 1 and enjoy.
It's gonna be a hell of a night!
Yeah, thanks.
"It's gonna be a hell of a night!" Fuck you, get real.
I'm so glad to see this fucking dump decimated.
Jesus, man. Lighten up.
Oh, I'll lighten up tomorrow
when the bulldozzers gas up.
So remind me why we're here instead of Schneideman's.
Because I pulled the short straw
and got stuck with baby sitting duty.
9:00 AM this is another fine Blumps location.
Until then, I gotta keep an eye on the old man
make sure he doesn't pull any shenanigans.
Well, Mr. Sourpuss.
Excuse me, that's Junior VP at Marketing Sourpuss.
Okay, Mr. VP Poopy Pants,
I promise to make tonight worth your while.
Oh.
Show starts in five minutes.
I don't know, Orson.
Looks like last licks for us old bones.
I'm gonna miss all this.
This was my favorite part.
The preparation and anticipation.
The threading, splicing the reels,
and always racing the clock.
Betty and I, we never missed a single listing.
In the gate and don't be late.
You taught me that.
My rosebud.
Well, who needs to be on time now
when you've got demanding video
and high definition crap?
You can get anytime at home.
Who needs the old night out under the stars
with some movie magic anymore?
That's what you were all about. Right?
Magic tricks and slight of hand.
Nobody cares for magic anymore.
Nope.
The world gets smaller.
And soul mates fade away
like old Kodak film stock.
But nothing's gonna stop me
from sharing a bit of that magic tonight!
Right?
But, much like anything else...
Now she's gone.
Now this place is pretty much gone.
And like tomorrow,
I may be gone, too.
Fade to black. Right?
Or maybe a smash cut!
Jumping Jesus! Jehoshaphat Floyd.
Heart hopping Christ, you're late, man.
Sorry, boss, I've been, uh,
I've been dealing with some...
Family matters.
Well, there's no need for excuses now,
I'm already done threading the first film.
Good God, man!
What have you been sticking your dick into?
You look like hell on a hand grenade.
I've been under the weather.
Look, why don't you just go check in with concessions,
see if Desi needs some help?
Sounds good. Okay.
And for Christ's sake, man,
clean yourself up!
It's show-time!
Well, hell, ell, ell, ello, kiddies!
It's your old friend, Uncle Cecil,
welcoming you to the final,
ghoulish night of murder
and mayhem!
Yes, my ghouls and gals,
it's time for Chillerama!
Sit back, poke a hole in the bottom of your pop-corn bag,
cuddle up to the closest corpse
and prepare yourself
for this evening's
first squishy selection.
Wadzilla!
Excuse me, Dr. Weems.
Miles Munson's lab work is ready.
Tell him I'll be right in.
Okay.
I never heard of a sperm bank
turning anyone down before.
You can imagine my nervousness
when they suggested I see a urologist.
It isn't anything serious, is it?
Life-threatening, no.
As a matter of concern, yes.
Have a look in there, Miles.
Wow! Look at them all go.
That is an example or normaI sperm.
And that is your sperm.
Yikes.
That doesn't look good.
Miles, there's a new medication I'd like to suggest you try.
It's called Spermupermine.
Now, it can't increase the sperm you generate
but what it can do,
is strengthen the sperm you already produce.
Spermupermine?
Yes. It hasn't been approved by the FDA yet,
but it is available to test subjects.
Luckily for you, I'm on the research board.
Thank you, doctor.
Good morning, kids!
It's the Captain Fatso Show.
And I'm Captain Fatso!
Well, ahoy there, Captain Fatso,
say, are those gumdrops I smell?
Look kids, it's Dudley Dingleberry!
I'm starving!
I haven't even had breakfast yet!
Let me tell you about the new sponsor!
Peanut Mush is now enhanced
with new flavored chemicals.
Makes your breakfast even more scrump-dilly-dumptious!
Sounds de-lish.
Morning, Miles.
Uh, morning, Larry.
Hey, you still single, buddy?
Unfortunately.
My wife's college roommate just got divorced
and moved to town. Perfect for you.
You should take her to dinner tomorrow night.
Absolutely not. No way, no more blind dates.
Not after last time.
Come on, she's perfect. You should just do this, okay?
She's cute. She's not looking for anything serious.
Just a little companionship. You know?
Oh.
Allow me.
Oh.
Miles, are you okay?
Come here.
I just had a horrible shooting pain in my balls.
You think you sat on your balls when you sat down?
I don't know.
Oh! You twisted the veins in your testicles.
Classic vein twist.
Okay. Okay.
I'm good.
I'm so...
Okay, onto the consolidation of our acquisitions
of GeneraI Textile Industries
and MBT Plastics.
For a brief overview,
we'd like to introduce to you all
the newest member of our department,
Andie Sumner.
Hello, gentlemen.
Oh!
I'm such a klutzz.
Oh.
Are you okay?
Someone, help him up.
No, I'm all right. I'm all right.
Ugh. I just need a little bit of air.
I'm sorry. Excuse me for one second.
I don't know if it has anything to do
with the pills that you gave me,
but every time I get the least bit aroused
I get the most intense shooting pain
through my testicles.
Tsk. Well, there's only one way to find out.
What in God's name...
Miles? Are you all right?
I think so.
Give me the sample, Miles,
so we can get it under the microscope right away.
I don't think you're gonna need a microscope.
Oh!
My God.
What's wrong with me?
It's impossible, but it would appear
that the Spermupermine has had an adverse effect on your system.
It's not only strengthening your spermatozzoa
but it's causing it to grow
to gargantuan proportions.
And traditionally, when a man experiences arousaI,
his testicles produce more sperm.
But in your case, however,
when you get turned on,
the one sperm you do have
gets huge.
I'm gonna send this to the National Institute of Health
in Washington for analysis.
Discontinue use of the medication immediately.
If you feel your sperm enlarging again
you get it out of your system right away.
Get it out of my system?
Jerk off! Fast!
Hi.
You must be Miles.
I'm Louise.
No.
Oh, my God! What happened? Are you...
Are you okay?
May I use your bathroom just for a minute, please?
Of course.
Come right in.
Right down the hall.
I'll just be one second and I'll be back.
Oh.
Molly, just what kind of a nut did you and Larry set me up with?
Hon, Louise says that Miles showed up at her door,
grabbed his crotch and started screaming. Wha...
He's... He's in the bathroom now,
he's making weird... I can hear him.
Louise, Miles twisted a vein in one of his testicles.
Yeah, it hurts him sometimes.
He feels bad about it. Don't make a fuss over it.
He's a good guy.
Okay. That is enough out of you.
I'm so sorry. No, it's gonna be okay.
He's just a brute.
That guy is such an asshole.
I can hear him.
The poor guy...
Now I just feel sorry for him.
She hung up.
Miles?
Are you all right in there?
Ugh!
That was a close one.
Oh, no!
Miles.
I'm getting very concerned.
It sounds like something broke in there.
You don't happen to have a plunger, do you?
Oh.
Just what in the hell happened in here?
I'm on a new medication.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
It's getting bigger!
Run!
No!
Run!
Ugh.
Oh!
Um.
I can explain that.
He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but...
"Nice" just don't count in the bedroom
when you got a baby gherkin between your legs.
Come on, Stewie. Make a poo poo for momma,
Come on, be a good boy. I'm not exaggerating.
The guy's hung like Howdy Doody,
and that's being generous.
Of course I'm gonna see him again.
Did you see his car? It's a Cadillac.
No, that sizze was more than acceptable...
Stewie! Will you please shut up?
I'm sorry. He flunked obedience school. The mongoloid.
Why does it smell like Ajax?
Stewie! Ow! You almost dislocated my...
Stewie?
I have to call you back, mom.
Stewie just escaped from his leash again.
There you are.
You furry fugitive, you.
You'd better get your little butt
over here before...
You almost gave me a heart attack.
Me too!
What'd you get?
A Milk Dud.
So, what did you find?
Half a rotisserie
chicken.
You're gonna split that with me, right?
Yeah. Maybe.
For a hand job.
Don't be such a prude, Babs.
It's not like you ain't done it 100,000 times already.
Sp... Sperm!
Exactly!
Bob!
I want to thank you for being so understanding.
You know, a lot of girls would've run for the hills
if the sperm of their blind date shot up their skirt like that.
So, thanks again.
I swear to God, I will pay for any damages.
Oh, please, things can be replaced.
Testicles can't.
Now that's for sure.
I'm just glad you're... Uh.
Louise? What's the matter?
Oh, my God.
Miles. That's your sperm.
This just in. The tadpole-like creature
is running rampant as it heads downtown.
Five are dead already and unconfirmed reports
claim the slimy beast is now the sizze of a house
and growing!
Military leaders are described as "testy"
when asked how to defend against this gargantuan goo.
The military is doing its best
to determine what it would take to rub one out of this sizze.
What are we gonna do?
We gotta get the authorities. Come on!
Citizzens are asked to use whatever protection they can
and avoid the creature's immediate vicinity
which authorities are calling, "the wet spot".
We're reporting live from downtown Manhattan
at the epicenter of the crisis zzone
with a sperm creature which has now risen to five stories high
and apparently still growing has been wreaking havoc on New York.
The Mayor is insisting that all New Yorkers remain in their homes,
until further... Oh, my God.
It's coming.
The stupendous spermatozzoa is ravaging through Central Park.
Oh, the humanity!
The spermicide is having absolutely no effect.
What does this sperm want, doc?
What every sperm wants, General. To fertilizze an ovum!
There's not an ovum on God's green earth
big enough for that thing.
Wait! I just figured it out.
The Statue of Liberty.
It's the only conceivable female large enough.
Steady. Steady.
Ah! Dammit.
Oh, my God!
Don't panic,
there's gotta be another one here.
No time. Look!
Attention!
This is General Bukkake.
Initiate Operation Moneyshot. Three.
Two!
One!
Ah.
[Ugh.
Some first date, huh?
You can say that again.
Well, at least it's good for the skin.
Yeah.
What?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Miles!
All right.
Fuck it.
Hm.
Oh, yeah. Classic cinema.
Wow.
If you liked Remains of the Day
then you'll cream over Wadzilla.
You know?
Not enough tits.
Wow. Ryan. Be your brother much?
Mayna, don't insult me.
Okay, substance run. I am so thirsty.
Oh, no. Sit tight. Sit tight. I'll go.
I got this. I got this one.
What?
Nothing.
I just wanna make sure
my friends are well fueled.
Hm. Sure.
What do you want?
Get me some red vines. No popcorn.
No corn?
Nope. No popcorn for me, but,
a Coke would be delightful, Romeo.
All right. Red Vines. Check.
Coke. Check. Fuck off. Check.
Back before flick two. You kids, be good now.
Oh, uh... Milk-Duds.
- Gremlins. - Yeah!
So...
Uh...
Robert England to Kane Hodder. Go.
God, I love you.
What?
Uh, nothing, nothing.
Uh, well, that's easy...
Stop the show.
Here's news you want to know.
We just got a shipment of...
Dude!
Hey, you get me snackage? Thank you.
Oh, I am?
Come on, cum bubble. I'm busy.
Hi, Ryan.
Hi, Laura.
You gonna go talk to Desi?
Why does everyone know about this?
Popcorn. Extra butter. Andale.
How about some money, prick?
Put it on my tab, douche.
Asshole.
I think your brother's cute.
I think my brother's a fagot.
Enjoy the show.
Hi, Des.
Hey, Daddy-O.
What's your tale nightingale?
Nothing much.
Pretty crazzy outside, huh?
It's never been this jammin'.
It's totally Antsville.
Man.
Hey, you look so boss.
You like it?
I thought it'd be appropriate, last night and all.
Sure.
What can I do for ya?
Uh... I need a Twizzlers,
a Coke and a popcorn,
with extra extra arsenic, please.
That last order is for big brother?
How could you tell?
Lucky guess. Let me get that for ya.
Sure.
Snickers! Hey, I'm sorry.
We're all out of butter...
but I can go get some real quick.
Nah, it's not a problem,
I don't wanna hold the line.
Nah, nah, it's okay.
I'll be back in a jiff. Just hold on, okay?
Golly.
Beach, blanket,
bingo!
Hm. It's open.
So how's the car? I saw you on King last week, pretty cherry.
You liked it? I got it right outside if you wanna take a look.
Nifty. Really?
You know. Maybe before I hit back upstate,
I'd like to take you for a drive.
Gee whizz. Um, yeah, but only if you come.
Hey, now.
Well, kiddies.
Ready for another rush
rock and shock and roll?
Shit. To be continued.
Absolutely, big tickler. Come back after this one?
That's a promise, Suzzy Q.
Ryan?
Yeah.
That's ten dollars.
Ah! Right. Right.
Come back, okay?
Swearzzies. Hope to die. Later gator.
After a while, crocodile.
Nice.
This next class of cinematic sin
stems from the outer reaches
of Planet Taboo.
So buckle up your seat belts...
Hey!
Hello?
Dude, fuck-head, my door!
There's your fucking popcorn.
Thanks, Ryan!
Penis.
About to unleash the fantastic furry fury
ofl Was a Teenage Werebear.
Mark the Shark rocking down the PCH
with NBH.
Yeah, baby, Bobby Vinton.
Peggy Lou, if you keep groping like an octopus
I'm gonna have to tell you
Now I'm gonna make you love me like Elvis.
Geezz, me just met last week
ain't you ever heard of taking it slow?
Slow is for old-fashioned girls,
not a modern woman like me, now get over here.
Are all the girls in Malibu like you?
Ricky, don't you like boobies?
Hey, Ricky!
President Kennedy
says we're going to the moon!
I see you finally found your pot of gold, son.
Hi, Mr. O'Reilly. Hi, Jimmy.
Top 'o the mornin' to ya las. I bless you child,
for finally putting Irish whiskey
Cut it, dad. Nothing happened.
Rickie's mother, God rest her soul,
never was much for Irish whiskey, if you know what I mean.
Oh, you poor old thing.
It's been a long, lonely life.
Everybody, shut up!
What are you two even doing here, anyway?
You forgot your lunch for school on the beach day, dumdum.
Oh, you're tearing me apart!
I swear, I'll never be like my old man.
He's such a perv.
Oh, Rickie, he isn't all that bad
he just wants what's best for his son.
I just don't wanna be another washed up jock slash war vet like him.
There's more to life.
No, there's more to me than,
bouncing balls
More to life than us?
Ricky Patrick O'Reilly, you're doing it again.
Doing what?
You're looking away.
¶ Is it something I do It it something I say, ¶
¶ Every time I'm with you I see you looking away ¶
¶ They say the eyes are The souI, doorway straight To your heart ¶
¶ If you won't Ever stay close ¶
¶ It's like I just cut a fart ¶
¶ Don't look away, baby ¶
¶ Please, don't look away ¶
¶ Stare me straight In the eyes ¶
¶ With our hands Between my thighs ¶
¶ So please don't look away ¶
¶ Baby give me some time So I can make up my mind ¶
¶ Just know That it isn't you ¶
¶ These feelings Make me so blue ¶
¶ I'm trying Real hard to find ¶
¶ The one That makes me feel right ¶
¶ Till then I guess That it's you ¶
¶ That's just the best I can do ¶
¶ So I look away, baby ¶
¶ I guess I'll look away ¶
¶ I can't take our eyes ¶
¶ For you might see The lies ¶
¶ So I will look away ¶
¶ Don't look away ¶
¶ I think I'll look away ¶
¶ Please Don't look away ¶
¶ I guess I'll look away ¶
¶ Stare me straight In the eye ¶
¶ I can't take your eyes ¶
¶ Place your hands Between my thighs ¶
¶ For you might see The lies ¶
¶ Don't look away ¶
¶ I think I'll look away ¶
¶ Tear me up inside ¶
¶ You make me Wanna go hide ¶
¶¶ I think I'll look away ¶¶
You saved me.
Quite observant.
Whoa. You dented my Bronco.
You dented her.
I got a boo boo.
I see the new kid's making nice with the other team.
What team would that be, Butch?
The team
no God-fearing red-blooded American
would be caught dead playing for.
I toss balls with the boys.
Exactly.
Look, Butch. She needs help.
The kind of help that bird needs ain't gonna come
from a Melvin like you.
Ooooh.
See ya in class, bitch sticks.
She don't look so good.
I've seen worse.
I don't know how to thank you.
You'll think of something. They always think of something.
Wait. What's your names?
Talon. Dan. Den.
I'm...
Ricky. We know.
You did good bringing her to me.
With a little snoozze she'll be A-okay.
Shouldn't we bring her to the hospital?
¶ You got a pee pee Stick it in my poo poo ¶
¶¶ Make it go boom! ¶¶
The brains, they spill a little bit crazy. She fine.
Ricky. Ricky.
Go away, you nasty beasty!
Take your filthy vermin with you. Shoo, shoo, shoo. Shoo!
Shoo!
Take your foul animules with you. Shoo. Shoo.
You stay away from those kind.
Yeah, well those kind saved me.
So Big Bad Butch ain't so bad after all.
Aw, the heck with that, coach!
Tinker Bell didn't pin me.
I was distracted.
All right. Who's next?
Me.
Oh, so I see Mr. Ducktale
finally decided to join us in class this semester.
Couldn't get a note from your quack?
Them two are sweet on each other.
Take that back, Butch!
Yo! Yo! Save it for the mat.
I don't mind if I do.
Give in, Rick.
Give in to me.
Never!
You can run from me
but you can't run from yourself.
Get off me now!
Yo, what did I tell you about biting?
Sorry, coach, I skipped breakfast.
Skipped breakfast? Wiseguy, huh? Okay, three mile run everybody
you can all thank wiseguy over here.
Everybody let's go.
Come on. Get go. Get going.
¶ I got a feeling ¶
¶ A feeling That I'm gonna explode ¶
¶ Yes, I've got this feeling ¶
¶ How much longer Must I hold my load? ¶
¶ Oh, what do I do? ¶
¶ Purge this urge ¶
¶ Oh, God, I really Gotta purge this urge ¶
¶ If nothing else I've gotta purge ¶
¶ This urge ¶
¶ Ooh Ooh ¶
¶ Purge this urge ¶
¶ The time is coming ¶
¶ When I gotta choose ¶
¶ There's no more hiding ¶
¶ No more playing By the boss man's rules ¶
¶ I've got to find My own way ¶
¶¶ Purge this urge! ¶¶
Is there something you wanna talk about, kid?
My mother, before she died,
she said, "Ricky,
always be true to yourself". And I try to be.
But I get these feelings.
Uh, these, urges.
And they feel true, they feel so right.
But,
so wrong.
Ricky, it may come as a surprise to you, kid.
Coach Tuffman gets those kind of urges too.
You don't think I,
watch you guys shower after class?
Soaping up your biceps,
your abs,
glutes.
Whoa. I think it's time for me to bug out.
Ricky, sit down. Relax.
This is between me and you, right?
I'm gonna do something for you my wife will never do for me.
That dusty old wench.
Hey!
Tastes like chicken, huh, babe?
I don't know what's happening to me.
It's as if suddenly I have this strength, that, like...
Of a grizzzzly?
Listen. Don't have a cow.
We got your back.
You did this.
It was your bite! My ass!
What? What are you?
The same as you.
Oooh.
Look who we've got here.
Clean up for coach like good little boys?
More like cleaning up coach.
Time to teach the fairy brigade a lesson.
Ugh.
My pops told me
this is how you teach lessons to pansies
in prison.
Sounds like pops knows how to party.
Leave him alone, Butch!
Shut up, Nancy boy!
You're next.
Gentlemen.
Plug him up! Plug him up! Plug him up!
This is for you, Jesus.
Plug him up! Plug him up!
You okay, dude?
Man, I was just playing.
It was just a joke.
It's a party, daddy Os!
Ugh!
I never promised I'd be gentle.
Now you know what we are. And what you are!
No. I'm not like any of you.
Angsty little dude.
My darling. It's good for your head.
Call me, Sybill!
Nurse Maleva, you've gotta help me.
Just calm down. Tell me everything.
You were right. Talon, the twins,
they're not just different, they're... They're...
Werebears.
Werebears!
I'm sorry. I don't understand.
Where I am from, there is old saying
Even a boy who thinks he's straight
yet shaves his balls by night,
may become a Werebear from the hormones of age
and the latent urge takes flight.
So you're saying...
Once bitten, anytime you get aroused,
you become that which bit you.
And you attack those you lust after.
Lust after?
I think you know what I'm talking about.
Homo!
No. I am not a homo!
I'm a, Werebear.
Looking for these?
I'm going to the police.
Well, don't forget to tell them
what you did to good old Coach Tuffman.
He was trying to molest me.
Ricky. Ricky. Ricky.
You can't molest the willing.
You're such a cub, Ricky. All show and no go.
Who's talking about not being like everybody else, you just wanna be you.
This is you.
No. You did this to me.
You could ask yourself a question, brother.
Did the bite put the beast in you?
Or let it out.
¶ Love, love, love Bit me on the ass ¶
¶ Love bit me on the ass ¶
¶ It got me by surprise ¶
¶ Love bit me on the ass ¶
¶ Took teeth to realizze ¶
¶ That I'm just A lonely boy ¶
¶ Yes, deep down I'm blue ¶
¶ But when I'm unleash the beast ¶
¶ To myself I'm true ¶
¶ Love, love, love, Bit me on the ass ¶
¶ Love bit me on the ass ¶
¶ Bit me deep down too ¶
¶ Love bit me on the ass ¶
¶ But no way am I like you ¶
¶ I may be quite different ¶
¶ But I am not a beast ¶
¶ I just want to cuddle ¶
¶ And you just wanna feast ¶
¶ Love, love, love, Bit me on the ass ¶
¶¶ Love, love, love ¶¶
Meet me tonight at the luau. It's gonna be a bloodbath.
What do you mean with "bloodbath"?
It means that the guys are gonna shake things up at the school dance.
Payback time for those small-minded haters.
I can't be part of that, Talon.
You can't be part of that.
This is not how you gain acceptance.
Well, then I guess I'll see ya when I'll see ya.
¶ I saw you dancing ¶
¶ Barefoot in the sand ¶
¶ I can love you Like no other can ¶
¶ Sexy ways Sexy ways ¶
¶¶ Sexy ways Sexy ways ¶¶
You've all given us such a warm welcome this first week at school.
You definitely deserve this next number, it's, uh,
It's pretty bear-tastic.
¶ Well, we got a new dance It's the hit of the land ¶
¶ All you gotta do is thrust when you stand ¶
¶ a squeal, a grunt, and a squirt ¶
¶ Yeah, it's called the Warebear And it just might hurt ¶
¶ Let's do the Werebear ¶
¶ And let The Werebear do you ¶
¶ Let's do the Werebear ¶
¶ Right here in Malibu ¶
Yeah!
¶ Sweeping the nation Just like civil rights Werebear ¶
¶ It's the latest sensation For long long lonely nights ¶
¶ Werebear ¶
I knew you would come, son.
¶ Four, three, two, thrust ¶
I know now what I must do, Maleva.
¶ Three, thrust ¶
¶ I wanna do it again Let's do the Werebear ¶
¶ And let The Werebear do you ¶
¶ Let's do the Werebear ¶
¶ Right here in Malibu ¶
Yeah!
¶ One, two, three, thrust ¶
¶ One, two, three, thrust One, two, three, thrust ¶
¶ Do it again ¶
¶ One, two, three, thrust Oh, it never has to end ¶
¶ One, two, three, thrust One, two, three, thrust ¶
¶¶ One, two, three, Thrust, oh! ¶¶
¶ Everybody gather round ¶
¶ You better not let This madness go down ¶
¶ They got good lines They fuck real good ¶
¶¶ But they just want To make you their food ¶¶
Yeah!
Violence and hatred is not the answer.
If we are to be accepted we must show love and tolerance.
There are human beings out there, Talon.
Not snacks.
Nice speech, Gandhi.
But we're hungry!
I freed you from a life of conformity.
I unleashed you from the mundane.
You chained me to a life of bloodloss!
Help me, Maleva!
Yes, Ricky. You know what to do.
Maybe...
I should've been more like you.
We can change the world together.
You still can.
Go get 'em, kid.
Make sure
you tell them that I'm not a monster.
You know, Werebears need love too.
Wow. Not enough gay.
Yeah, I mean, De Palma, ripping this off for Carrey?
Why are you surprised? It's De Palma.
What... What I don't get, is if they just shaved their chests
wouldn't their curse be lifted?
I mean, that's what it took to be a Werebear. Right?
Uh. Sure.
I feel like I would've used something less invasive.
You know, like, instead of a dildo, maybe a silver razzor.
What was that?
That's what scientists refer to as the one cheek sneak.
Anyone want anything from the concession stand?
I'm gonna go talk to Mr. K.
I'm good.
Nah, just bring Desi back if you can.
Yeah, sure, I'll be right back.
Is it hot in here or is it just me?
It's you.
How 'bout you sideburns, want some of this milk it may cool you off?
I'd rather have a beer.
Nice.
Okay. Saw you, Mr. Cockblock.
Hey, is there any popcorn left?
Fresh out.
Want me to get some more before the next flick?
Yeah. I'll just be here getting manhandled.
Really?
Oh. I could just eat you up.
¶ It's all over, darling ¶
¶¶ because I... ¶¶
Hey, Mr. K. How you holding up?
Jesus, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Boy, dammit.
Does anybody knock anymore?
I'm an old man here.
Mr. K., I'm sorry, sir, I...
Don't apologizze.
Put, put, put, put your hands down, son.
Wow. Thanks for the six heart attacks.
Do you have a minute to talk. I, I need to.
Well, sure thing. But, uh, go over to the projector first
and flip on my call, okay?
Yeah, you got it, Mr. K.
Welcome back, boyls and ghouls.
Anybody not off to eternal slumber yet?
Tonight they will bask in the glory of the unconventionaI.
spit in the eye of morality
and feast on the art of the damned.
With a film that will test your tastes
and rock the very fabric of your senses!
And first, it's time to bear witness
to the Bible of bad taste,
The Diary of Anne Frankenstein!
Sh.
Heil, Hitler!
Scheisse.
Boop!
Poofta.
HeiI, Hitler!
Oh, mein Gott.
Heil, Hitler!
Meshugannah.
Huh?
Nein!
What the fuck?
Oh!
What is it?
More popcorn?
¶ Two hot popcorns Mix it up, wrap it up ¶
¶ Butter it up ¶
I got big plans for you, baby.
Nice. Nice.
You like that, baby?
Hm. Yeah.
Loads of possibilities.
24.000 square feet, Starbucks,
Food court, oh, I get hard just thinking about it.
Yeah.
Hm. That's good. Hm.
Oh. So, so good.
Hm. Delicious.
Hey. Are you enjoying my mouth or the fucking popcorn?
Well, both, baby.
It's kind of a big fantasy for me.
Well, are you sure? 'Cause it seems you're getting all orgasmic
about your fucking snacks.
Jesus, are you okay?
Yeah, just, uh, I feel hot. Kinda hot.
Don't stop. Come on.
Okay. Tell me when you're gonna pop. You know I don't like the taste.
Yeah. Yeah. Ugh.
What...
More head.
What the fuck?
I just washed this car.
He's got blue slushies!
Oh! I'm like freaking out right now!
All right. What were we talking about?
Tobe. I should probably go...
Talk to Tobe.
I think you should talk to him. That's my piece.
That's fine! Screw it! Just tell me how it begins.
Roger Wilco. Red five. Standing by.
Hm. Nerdy one.
Yeah, and you getting that line
makes you one of the good ones.
Which makes me, the final girl.
And now, on with the show.
Well, my Chilly Chillens,
I hope you're still with us for the long
For this popular abomination you've all been waiting for.
The final sinful centerpiece,
of our last evening together.
Hey.
So, I need to get something off my chest.
I... I...
You are gonna see some serious shit!
Whoa.
It's just like in the movies, huh?
I... I...
I got nothing.
The most vile and offensive...
stock of celluloid.
Here is Deathication.
Oh, hello.
I didn't see you there.
Come in, won't you?
Would you mind, uh, closing the door, please?
Thank you very much.
As i was saying, my name is Fernando Phagabeefy.
Internationally known and respected film maker.
The visionary mastermind...
behind notorious cinematic works such as,
The Cunting Death,
Salo 2, The Next Day...
and of course, Rosemary's Picnic Table.
I'm here now to present to you...
my latest and greatest moving picture.
A film so scandalous, so intense,
that it was banned from every film festival...
in fear of mass hysteria,
and destroyed seating.
The next 87 minutes you're about to endure...
a motion picture I've directed called,
Deathication,
comes with a very serious warning.
This film was specifically produced...
to elicit the effect of pure terror on the audience...
to a complete and total sensory immersion...
to the images on screen
using the latest in cinematic technology.
The lights of which we can have revealed here...
in fear of government confiscation.
The following visuals printed on this very film stock...
are proven to cause a highly visceral, biological response...
in the human nervous system in the most,
hm, nefarious of ways.
Oh, hello, doctor.
As you can see from our scientific results,
this photo realistic rendering
of one, the human body,
each and every frame of Deathication...
swiftly attacks the viewer's brainwaves,
rendering specific motor functions helpless
to the depravity that unfolds before your very eyes.
At any moment during the course of this film,
viewers have been know to suddenly and violently
release their bowels!
A collective explosion of hot, moist madness.
In other words, what you're about to see...
will make you shit. A lot!
Buckets of excrement!
A river of ca-ca will rage through this theater's...
as one buttery floor.
You'll crap your slacks for days to come,
ruin many undergarments become severely dehydrated,
brave scorn at any social event or family gathering,
even suffer from a case of inflamed anal tissue
similar, to the effects of sodomy.
In other other words, this film...
will rape you with your own feces.
And that, my friends,
is a Fernando Phagabeefy promise.
With this warning in mind, by staying in this theatre,
you're releasing any rights and liability...
against the film makers or the owner of this fine establishment...
for any cleaning bills, shattered senses,
or exploded ovaries. So, for the safety of you,
those around you and the integrity
of your swimming trunks area,
please consider this your final warning.
Those in the audience who have a weak constitution
or a giant asshole,
should leave this theatre immediately!
Unless you are truly prepared...
to experience the horrific effects of "Deathication".
Because you can't scream if you're full of shit.
What the hell...
What is that?
I don't know. That's a first.
Do you think Mr. K's all right?
I don't know. I'm kind of worried about him.
He seemed a bit a mess about the whole thing,
and there was a gun.
What? A gun?
Look, I'll explain in a sec. Come on, let's go check him out.
Cecil!
Oh, my God.
You kids, get out of here!
What the hell, man?
Gun.
Dick, you're fired!
Boss!
What? You never saw Robocop?
What the cripes was that, Mr. K?
I don't know. He just attacked me from behind.
Next thing I know, he's trying to pull my pants down.
I think he was trying to hide the baloney.
What's that blue stuff on him?
Wait, wait, wait. I saw that on somebody's shirt downstairs.
Wait! Did he bite you? He's totally a zzombie.
No. He came close but no cigar. I'm fine.
And you?
Actually, I'm kind of awesome, all things considering.
Well, let's check the...
Look out!
Tobe!
Get him off me!
Tobe!
Shit! He's trying to kiss me!
Fuck you, Floyd.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Wolfman has nards!
Nice shooting, Tex.
How'd you know that was the sweet spot?
Come on, I'm a girl.
I know where guy's heads are.
Thanks.
That's two you owe me, Junior.
God, I love you.
I know.
Will you two clam it 'till the credits?
What I wanna know...
is what the sweet scent...
of Satan's scrotus is going on here.
What?
I'll just lie here.
It all should blow over.
Ah, fuck that! I could leave!
I got the car, I got the keys!
Ah, what about the guys?
Wait.
Ah, Des! Shit!
Yes! Okay.
Come on, Ryan.
This is my movie. I'm the final girl.
Come on!
Okay.
One.
Two.
Two and a half.
Three!
Jesus, Miller.
Penis brat!
You gotta be fucking kidding!
Swearsies.
Now what?
We get back in the car and get the fuck out, that's what?
Plan A sucks. Got any other ideas?
- Follow me. - Okay.
Fuck you, fucking zombies!
Okay.
I gotta think. I gotta save the day.
What would, uh, Simon Pegg do?
That's too British.
Des, Des, we're gonna get out of this.
We're gonna be oh...
Des?
I want you, Ryan.
That is so awesome, but,
this is kind of a no time for love Dr. Jones situation here, so.
We'll be fine.
Come to me, Ryan.
But, but you're...
In love?
No...
Be inside me forever, Ryan.
I, uh...
Fuck it!
Phone's dead.
Phones out here too, smart bastards.
What the hell is going on?
When there's no more room left in hell,
"The dead shall fuck the earth".
Or something like that, it's like,
with the final reel.
Final reel.
What?
No. I cannot die here tonight.
You're not gonna die tonight.
Here.
Here you go, kid.
Six rounds will give you some courage.
What about you?
Don't worry about me.
Now you came by car tonight, right?
Yeah, hopefully Ryan stayed in the car.
He's got the keys.
Get back to your car,
lock yourselves in and drive fast.
What do we tell him? That this in an undead orgy?
Tell them whatever!
Tell them to bring the cops, the army,
the goddamn hazzmat suits. Bring them all!
Now, you have 12 rounds between you.
Got it.
Aren't you coming?
Yeah. Yeah. I'll... I'll catch up with ya.
Scoot you two. Good luck.
And may the schwartzz be with ya.
You too, Mr. K.
What was it you said, Orson?
Nobody who takes on anything big and tough
can afford to be modest.
Fuck modesty.
Fuck!
Hey, there, big boy.
You like that?
Is this what you want?
Mayna, what the fuck?
Happy ending.
Feel important.
Wait! Smoke screen.
Fuck me gently with the chain saw.
Let's go!
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Where's the car?
Right there.
Yeah. Right there.
Oh, shit.
Fuck.
Watch out.
Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
Tobe! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, fuck.
Are you out?
I've got one.
I've got two.
Wait. No.
I've only got one. Fuck.
Well, the best we could do is use it on us.
Before we become zzombies.
I don't feel like losing my virginity with a goddamn zombie.
Wait. You're a virgin?
Can we talk about this later? Watch it.
I waited for you.
Now put the gun on my head and pull the trigger.
The bullet should take us both out.
What? Is that the best idea you've got?
It's the only thing I can remember from the movies...
that makes any sense...
Get your undead dicks
out of my drive-in!
Old turkey!
This way, jerk offs! Follow me!
Amscra you two. Get to the chopper. Go.
Where are the keys?
I don't know. You have them.
What? No, I gave them to you.
I gave them to you!
Check your pockets.
I got 'em!
Behind you!
In. In. In. Get in!
Open the door! Unlock it.
Get in.
"Hasta la vista, baby".
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn".
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner".
"Yippie ki yay motherfucker".
"What we have here is a failure to communicate".
"Goonies never say die!"
"I'm getting too old for this shit".
This way, perverts!
Follow the Pied Piper and his sweet asshole!
Cinema is dead.
Oh!
"Say hello to my little friend!"
a better contender!
"Rosebud, motherfucker"!
Oh, God.
I think that was uncle Cecil's curtain call.
Well, that's a way to find out. Huh?
Keys to ignition. Go!
Okay.
No, no, no.
Come on. This isn't supposed to happen.
We're supposed to survive. Fuck.
This is it.
Wait! You still have the...
Fresh out.
Damn it!
What do we do now?
Well, we can just sit here...
and wait for them to turn us into human sex toys.
Okay. Already not digging doing number one.
Or,
We spend the last night of our lives together...
and give these fuckers one hell of a show.
I have to admit that's one hell of a plan.
Let's do it. Wait.
Funny. Did you ever think
this would be the moment you became a man?
Actually, it was during an alien invasion...
but it really doesn't matter what the scenario.
Why's that?
Because I always knew it would be with you.
You are so cool.
True romance.
Wait. Wait.
What? What?
Do you have a condom?
Really?
I'm kidding.
Fantastic! Now that's an ending.
Fuck Hollywood!
Really? Boring.
Boring?
Not enough tits.
Actually, it was kinda bittersweet.
You know? Like the ending of E.T.
Why does everything gotta be E.T. with you?
Come on. Let's go.
E.T.'s gay.
How... He's a plant.
He can't be gay. He's a pla... he's a plant.
Would you be gay if you were a plant?
It is a biological anomaly...
the likes of which the medical community has never seen.
Miles' unique body chemistry
clashed with the Plutoneide and the Spermupermine
mutating his spermatozzoa during spermatogenesis
in a way that no one could've expected.
Spermatium are by their very nature...
a very determined and resilient organism...
genetically programmed to overcome all obstacles...
defy all odds and hit the target.
or die trying.
Perhaps...
You can view this disaster...
as a kind of cautionary tale...
against the misuse of a yet to be fully understood...
era in atomic energy.
God help us all.
Ba-bye.